Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Quickest girl in the frying pan...

It seems as though I'm developing an attachment to someone, or at least the beginnings of a potential attachment to someone.

Someone that isn't GV8.

It's a mixed bag.

My sadness at GV8 leaving me, even if it winds up being temporary, has morphed into a mild lack of respect for him, which I believe I've mentioned recently. When he's reminded of me strongly, through events or actions, he forgets his rules... maybe forget isn't the right word. He discards his rules for the pleasure of my company.

Just tosses them straight out.

And something that I valued in him, the first thing that made me stop and realize that maybe he was one of those few men I truly consider mine (in the sense that this type of man belongs to me, fits with me) was his self-control.

A friend of mine mentioned, when I told her how much I admired his self-control, that it was easy to have self-control when you had no rules for yourself.

I'm finding that more and more true.

I miss him, I truly do. It becomes easier each day, a little bit at a time, to not think of him. But when he does stray into my brain, that gutpunch feeling causes pain and mental doubling up around the source, trying to wad the memories of him in foam, box them up and store them in the furthest corner of my attic.

So I don't think of him.

And I try not to be angry. I try not to think that I opened myself to him fully, was willing to bare pieces of myself that I've held tightly so long, to mesh with him without reserve or doubts... and he said no.

Or, at least, not yet.

How can I return to that? How can I go back to him with open arms? Trust is burnt, respect is damaged, I'm shying away from him again, going back to my wild mustang hindbrain: teeth-bared-eyes-rolling-ain't-never-gonna-to-put-a-bridle-on-me-boy.

How can I expect him to even want me back, with his wild nights ahead of him, the club opening up in two weeks, living the life of a playboy, girls falling on him like they do.

How could he ever look back at me and think that he'd be willing to compromise, he'd be willing to give some of it up, so he could love me?

He's told me so often that he isn't relationship material, but he keeps trying with me anyhow.

I pass his tests. I'm the whole package, he says. The whole package, as far as I can tell from our talks, entails a combination of intelligence, drive, family values, confidence, ability to handle money, constant honesty, and insane sexual ability. I think I'm a bit wishy-washy on the drive and the confidence, but he was mostly okay with it.

Even if he did come back, even if he was able to gentle me, heal the damage between us, do I want a life with a man who won't offer monogamy? Who already donated one STD to my life? Who won't give me children? Who constantly changes his mind and his plans, who is never dedicated to one path if another one arises?

I don't know.

I say that often.

At least I admit it, I suppose.

And then this dark horse shows up, and I end up intrigued.

Makes me wonder if I'm just as bad as all the MRA guys say when it comes to women. Toss someone who smells like alpha at me and I'm spreading my legs. That's the belief, right?

No, I'm not having sex. I haven't touched anyone since The Bassist. My body feels like begging for touch, for an hour in bed with someone with hard, smooth skin and a strong jaw.

I feel disloyal.

Imagine.

I feel disloyal who a man who never offered me physical loyalty. To a man that said he'd call me when he figured things out... with no set date. It could be next year when my phone rings. To a man I may never actually talk to again.

I feel inconstant, easily attracted, easily distracted.

In my defense, I wasn't looking for it.

In my defense, maybe it's a good thing to remind myself that there are the occasional rare males out there that I can actually connect with, so I'm not so desperately hinged on GV8, thinking that he's the beginning and end of my world and letting that dictate my behavior.

It makes me wonder if I'll be able to respect a man again, or how long it will take for that respect to develop. GV8 pushed the bar so high, so far out of reach when it comes to certain behaviors and desired traits, and then... then he fell.

I remember, one of the last times we were together, he was sitting at his desk, looking at me. I don't know what we were talking about, but he commented that he wondered how long it would be before I was disillusioned with him, until I looked back at him like I do so many other guys who didn't live up to my expectations- not of a partner, but of a person, the same expectations that I hold to myself, constantly striving for, even if I don't meet them.

I have high demands of the people around me. The closer they are to me, the closer I allow them to me, the higher the demands rise. Those expectations aren't financial, or social, they aren't about wardrobe or who drops the most names. They center around honesty, integrity, self-awareness, ability to communicate, lack of external judgement, self-control, ethics, honor, perception, compassion, emotional stability and intelligence.

It's a lot, I know.

I strive towards those traits. I respect those traits.

So I look at myself and wonder why this is happening. If I'm being weak by allowing it to happen, if I'm guarding myself from the pain that GV8 will inflict when he lets me know he can't compromise his life style for me, if I'm giving myself a platform of objective reality, if I'm cheating on my lack of intimacy rule I've set for myself, if I'm using him as a crutch to feel not so alone as I deal with all these changes in my life, if I'm a disloyal and inconstant whore, if I'm just as bad as all the MRA guys would say, if it's all about that alpha-related tingle, if GV8 will just add it to his mental list of reasons he should not be with me, if this is really as weak as it sounds.

Lots of ifs.

One instinct.

My brain runs wild and I balk. Rare connection, ability, blessed ability to talk, to discuss ideas, to find someone who will be honest with me with their feedback, no rose-colored glasses, no white knighting. Knowing I'm just as wrecked as them.

What am I going to have to give up with these actions?

Which domino will start the chain of events that will unravel this thread?

How much can be held against me, and how much can I hold against myself?

What am I doing? Creating self-loathing or saving myself?

Probably the former.

So weak. Still so weak.

9 comments:

  1. "if I'm a disloyal and inconstant whore"

    Interesting choice of words.
    Inconstant.
    As in flighty?
    Capricious?

    Would we expect any less from women?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hiddenleaves,

    But is that a good thing or a bad thing?

    Phoenixism,

    Goddammit, you MRA/HBD/PUA men are all alike with your women hating and your love of blowing things up with explosives.

    I'm not flighty. That's what bothers me. I'm wondering what this wavering means.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Whew.
    Your defensiveness turned explosive.

    If you have the ability to tell me flightiness is in stark contrast with your true nature, then you can surely tell me what your wavering means.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Maybe she was referring to the insecurities of being with the man who is an inconstant whore.....

    ReplyDelete
  5. Good unraveling. Pedestalization isn't specifically a male problem. You're still young and able to move on to the things you want. The longer you pine for him, the fewer opportunities you'll have.

    Thanks for deleting my double post. Blogspot has decided to change my name to my blog name and I was trying to fix that. Instead I just posted the same comment twice.

    ReplyDelete
  6. You've always described GV8 as having self-control, but I haven't seen a lot of evidence of that in your descriptions of his behavior.

    From what I've read he's better at controlling everything else around him, shaping his world, and changing rules as needed so he doesn't HAVE to look at himself beyond lip service.

    As for the rest of the stuff in your post, I'm constantly astonished at how my own life keeps rolling whether or not my questions about myself and others get answered. "Figuring things out" is still a past-time of mine, but whether I have something figured out or not doesn't seem to make a whit of difference to how things play out in reality.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Phoenixism,

    My wavering is due to stress. Stress is produced by conflicting desires. I am conflicted between doing what I want to do (which is easy) and what I should be doing (which is hard).

    SweetMag,

    Okay, you totally got a laugh out of me with turning that one around, hehehe.

    Hiddenleaves,

    I do have a tendency to pedestal. I think we all do, regardless of gender. We want to think the best of the person we're with, not just because we care about them, but they also represent our value by showing what we are capable of attaining. Which means it's in our psychological best interest to pedestal.

    No prob about deleting the double. I figured you were doing something that accidentally caused that to happen.

    Dan,

    You know, you phrased that better than I ever could. That's what I find attractive about him, too... though I call it "self-actualizing".

    I hope that I'll eventually get to the point where I am able to let things flow. Was that a product of your enlightenment trip that I do believe I've seen no postings on (*prod*)?

    ReplyDelete
  8. Seeing the best is different than assigning unwarranted value. Don't rationalize the unraveling away. Some people, though not worthless, still aren't worth the effort.

    ReplyDelete