I was asked a bit ago to bring together a comprehensive list of the history of GV8 and myself.
I have around 350 posts since I started this blog in January, 2009. 147 of those are tagged with his name.
I hadn't realized.
So here we go.
Our first date, begun on a white leather couch. Hints of things to come.
A date or two down the line, as his history opens up to me, and I come to realize just what I've found.
The first time we had sex. I can't believe how long I was able to put him off. Amusing how I still try to keep withdrawn.
Our trip to the swing club, something I still look back on as an event that drew me even closer to him.
And then I started shifting to long-term thoughts, no longer pushing myself so strongly away.
But he destroyed my comfortability by offering to make me part of his club project way too early on.
We end up back at square one, where I've lost that long-term view.
The gap widens as I continue to withdraw from him.
The first time he left me.
And then he came back for the sex.
Which turned into emotions and we started seeing each other again...
And I start debating the long-term again.
And relaxing in his presence.
We eventually start talking relationship.
But, suddenly, he's pulling away again, almost ending it.
Which left me scrambling to regain my footing with him.
Then he had me dance for him, something intimate, and the walls started falling.
And I started contemplating the long-term as a possibility once more.
But then I leave him without warning.
Bowing and scraping on my part ensue, as I try to convince him to take me back.
Which meant dealing with my trust issues.
And it looks like we're clearing that hurdle, going into full relationship mode...
But then he ends it entirely. By email. On a Wednesday.
...but then he texts me.
And my family starts falling apart, which causes a chain reaction where I'm start doubting my own reality, which causes mad panic and I reach out to him for stability.
But he lets me down on Christmas Eve, when I'm calling him from the ER.
After things settle down to a reasonable level, he comes out and kicks my ass in gear. The only person who did.
A little time passes, and we start gravitating towards each other again.
But we shove off from each other.
Which means, logically, we have to go on a pre-Valentine's Day date. Logically. Right.
Which led to sex the next weekend.
Which will lead no where, so I decide to end our "friendship" so I can move on.
But before I can end it, he starts talking about trying again. Maybe.
But he ends it, possibly temporarily, yet again.
Which is where we are now in this story.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
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Wow...thanks for filling in the blanks. I have so been wanting to get a better picture of how you got to where you are now. I actually have a question if I may....You have said that he owns a few clubs and I was wondering if those clubs were sex clubs....only because you had said you went back to the club where it all started to get over him and your description sounded like that type of club.
ReplyDeleteHave you ever thought of checking out the millionares club? I think you would be a great candidate for it. You are young, pretty and smart. Dont sell yourself short. Settling is a waste of precious time. You have alot going for you. Use it to your advantage while you still have it. Ok I am getting off my soapbox now, tee hee.
Thanks Poetry, I look forward to reading these again to make sure I have the full picture before I give you any unsolicited advice. The new man sounds like good news to me but I'll consider all of the above before I give you my final view.
ReplyDeleteWas this a healthy exercise for you? Something tells me not.
ReplyDeleteWhy not get mixed up with a new dude, if you feel the attraction *and* you are ready for it? As long as it's not based on the post-relationship self-destructive behavior you identified earlier, just after the breakup. I mean, denying yourself the pleasure of sex and/or a relationship just to *prove* those damn PUAs wrong, that you won't just spread for the next alpha that comes along, seems a little perverse, no?
SweetMag,
ReplyDeleteHe's only got one in the works now, but, yes, it's a sex club. We met at a BDSM club, neutral ground for us. More my scene than his, really. I have no idea what a millionares' club is, but not sure if I want to cast my hook into a sea of goldfish.
SDaedlus,
Maybe a distraction is good. But it depends on the distraction. I'll be glad of your advice, when you're willing to give it. It seems like we're of similar mindsets... when I'm not busy being emotionally distracted.
Maurice,
I don't know if it's a matter of proving the PUA/MRA types wrong, as much as realizing that I don't desire this behavior in myself.
As for that exercise... I think it was good. I mean, it brought back some great memories, things that I had forgotten that I needed to remember. It also finally let me track everything on a timeline, see how things fleshed out on a game level, as well as just the odd sort of patterns that developed. It was good info.
As for the new dude, only time will tell. I'm pursuing nothing actively, only friendship. We'll see how it goes.