Wednesday, March 3, 2010

This is where my head is at right now:

Yesterday, I was driving myself a bit crazy with missing GV8, thinking of him, daydreaming about him, forcing myself not to call, not to text, not to email because he's so overwhelmed right now I don't want to add to his plate and I need to show him that I will be able to handle the next however many months that he'll be doing this.

I was truly going up the wall. So I hopped on ye olde AIM and started messaging friends for a distraction from the mental batshittery I was doing to myself.

And The Bassist was on.

So I started chatting with him about what the hell was going on with GV8, how bothered I was, how I'm trying to relax and go with the flow, and how that's not working and I'm going to drive myself insane while I wait for his decision.

He offered to come over, possibly, if he could free up his schedule. We'd do our usual, the thing we've been doing for as long as we've known each other: hang out, talk for hours, watch really random foreign movies.

And he did manage to free up his schedule.

I knew, I knew that I'd go to him for comfort. I knew that I'd wriggle onto him, probably sleep with him, pretend, in a way that he was GV8, that I was able to show this immense love and need I'm feeling, just mildly, just take the edge off, with a good friend that I had yet to touch in any sexual way.

I went too far, in my opinion.

We did not have sex. When he mentioned condoms, I confirmed that I had them, then thought while we fooled around and then told him that I couldn't have sex with him, wouldn't have sex with him. That GV8 was it for me and I just... couldn't.

He understood. He was frustrated, he made references to maybe losing control, but I handle sexually frustrated males way too easy due to too much practice.

But I did something that I shouldn't have, that I wouldn't have with most any other male at this point in my life. But it's him. He's comfortable, he's so like me in so many ways, in his temprament, in his sexual style (even though he's still young, still developing it). He wasn't some guy I picked up from god knows where. He wasn't someone who had been trying to get into my pants under the veil of friendship for the past near year now.

And I feel guilty.

I'm not even in a relationship right now, and I feel overwhelmingly guilty.

Seriously. I could go out and sleep with any number of men right now, take up the repeated offers of DP from various sources, and I wouldn't be cheating on anyone because I'm not in a goddamn relationship.

GV8 could call and say he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and I could turn him down, say I'm happy being single, thank you.

Because I have that choice. Because I've made no commitments.

Yet I still feel like I betrayed him.

What makes it even funnier (or sadder), is that he wants an open relationship. So even if we were together, I'd still be able to sleep with whoever I want with his consent.

Still would not be able to do it.


It bothers me because I went to The Bassist for comfort. It bothers me that I knowingly let my psychological weakness dictate my physical actions and I've been doing so well of late. It bothers me that I knew this was going to happen, yet I did not stop it (though, admittedly, I was thinking sex and then put my foot down on that, but really, that wasn't enough).

I let my friend be a stand-in for GV8. I used him. Even though he enjoyed it, I used him. Even though he probably knew it, I used him.

And I know that The Bassist has always been a sore spot for GV8. Not that he complains or anything, but he does... things. He says things. I think of all my male friends, The Bassist is the one that causes the most concern for GV8.

The only reason I know he has any concern at all is because I watch him, watch his language. He's very good at covering it up.

I'm so... crap. Messed up about this. I feel guilty. GV8 has a string of tail when he so chooses, has slept with who knows how many people in the months we've been broken up, we might not even get back together, and I'm sitting here trying to rationalize it so I stop feeling so awful.

With all that is the denial of the bone-deep knowledge that he'll never choose me. GV8 will never give up his dream future to be with me, and all this hope, all this supressed excitement and daydreams, it's all nothing. I'm turning myself into a loon for the man that no woman would be able to keep.

So I'm turning to others for comfort. To confirm I'm still desirable, to confirm I have value, to distract me from the truth that he'll never have me.

Sit here and close my eyes, wishing the hope would go away, wishing I'd be able to breathe without thinking of him, wishing my fears and dreams would stop crowding in my throat.

Wishing for him.


  1. What I find more interesting is the question how much you hope that he cares. What if it hurts him that you shared your bed with another man? And what light would that throw on you?

  2. I'm trying to figure this out, exactly how the conclusion was reached that I hope he cares.

    I know he loves me. I know he cares about me.

    Do I hope he would be upset (through caring) that I would share my bed with another? Yes, I suppose. Not because I would wish to hurt him, I would never wish to hurt him. But because he's so stoic, so emotionally conservative, that any strong emotional reaction I get out of him is a reaffirmation of the emotion he does not easily share with words.

    But hurt him? Hurt him just to hurt him? No. I would rather not hurt him and feel his love through his actions than hurt him to see what reaction that provokes in order to soothe my deep insecurities.

    What concerns me most is me slipping like I did. Is what that means about me, about my values, but mostly how easily the insecurities that rise from my fear of GV8 discarding me prompts poor behavior on my part. I have more self-control than that, and I did not exercise it. I was being weak. I stumbled on my path to progress.

  3. I haven't been in your exact situation, but I've been in similar predicaments. I've identified with your position, the Bassist's position, and GV8's at various points in my life. And when it comes to passing out blame, it's never as cut and dried as it might look from the outside.

    It sounds like you're most upset with yourself and what it says to you about your self-control. Again, I'm probably the wrong person to comment. I make mistakes all the time. Sometimes, I make the SAME mistakes over and over, which is even more maddening. Even though I know better, it only takes one moment of weakness/fatigue/not paying attention to find yourself looking at familiar scenery going "Oh crap, I told myself I wasn't going to do that anymore."

    What I am trying to do lately is to ease up on the beating up on myself up and passing judgement after-the-fact. It's a tough thing: sometimes I think if I feel guilty enough about something, that's my way of punishing myself for doing it, but it doesn't really help me or anybody else. Instead I'm trying to focus on accepting the consequences of my actions and focusing on making better decisions in the future.

  4. Alls I got is that you sound like you're stuck in some twisted after-school special circa 1985.... which is a terrible reference since I doubt it's relevant with you being 7 years younger than me....

  5. Dan,

    It's not really a matter of blame for me, but a matter of responsibility and self-growth. And you're usually more on the same page I am than not. I haven't made any mistakes in so long, haven't slipped up in a good while. I'm disappointed in myself, disappointed in all this growth but I still don't live up to my expectations.

    And I should, I should by now.

    I don't know if I should stop reprimanding myself. I need to analyze and take responsibility.


    I was born in '83. So... I have no idea what you are talking about. Probably should youtube it, hehe.