Saturday, April 17, 2010

GV8 called.

Here, when I thought I was going to be able to move on, abandoned for the rock star lifestyle he loves so well.

He called me while they were filming a porn at the club, apparently featuring dripping wet, latex-covered women. Porn shoot the day prior. He directed me to the site of some porn star(?) so I could see the results of an earlier photo shoot.

Over the course of the conversation, he told me he missed me, that he loved me, that it felt strange that I, who had been at the beginning of this whole adult club thing with him, would not be there opening night. That my text message to him the day the club opened, wishing him success, added to his already full head of thoughts of me.

That it felt wrong that I wasn't there.

He asked what I had been up to, told me he was proud of how much I had grown in the last few months, how together my life was, that every time he talked to me, he was made even more proud of what I was doing.

I did not tell him I missed him.
I did not tell him I loved him.

He told me he wanted to see me. I asked when would be good for him.

He said to pick a day anytime after the 19th, and he'd be there. That he was going to accommodate my schedule. I'm always the one doing the accommodating, and I mentioned this to him. He said it was only fair, for all the times I've rearranged everything to be with him.

So I told him next Saturday. I wanted to go to the Los Angeles Times Festival of Books. He could join me, if he liked. He agreed.

I mentioned that I was going clubbing afterwards. He said he would not join me because he would likely run into people he knows, which would make things awkward... as he picks up ass like you would not believe. Reminding me that this is the man who engineered a foursome with three chicks that happened to be walking by his apartment simply by using three bottles of beer.

Brought me back to reality.

I asked him what we were doing. He said that we were getting to know each other again.

He asked if I had been moving forward. Forward? Forward, he said, moving past him, into my future.


Then, yes.

I assumed that I'd never hear from him again, after he didn't respond to my text message. That things were over, he had fully submerged himself in being his wild, alpha male self.

That I had been moving forward. Not dating, but getting it into my head that he was gone. Trying to move past it so I would stop having this plague of dreams of him and the club that I've been experiencing so often of late. That my body would finally unwind, I'd stop grinding my teeth so hard whether awake or asleep. My jaw, my neck, I may look calm, but touch either when I am under stress and you will know.

He said if I needed to think about it, to take some time. But I could call during the week, if I wanted. Radio silence over.

I said I didn't know. That I had to think. I'd call him later in the week to confirm our date.

I love him, though I did not tell him that. I miss him, though I would not directly say those words to him.

My ethics when it comes to relationships... honesty and communication. Not stringing someone along. Making decisions.

I hate lingering, I hate indecisiveness.

I hate knowing that this will never work, that I've lost too much faith in him and I don't know how he'd ever build it back. And I could never be okay with his roaming ways. He's already given me one STD, I don't need any more.

But this... I don't have to play by rules anymore. I don't have to make a decision, I don't have to include him in my life, nor sleep with him again. I need to (wo)man up and stop folding to what he wants. He knows what I want. He's trying to take small steps to give it to me, without fully submitting and giving up that which he will not deny himself: the leeway to surrender to lust with any hot thing that walks by.

By going out with him, I'm not committing to anything.

But I am setting myself up for more heartbreak. I can't keep emotionally distant from him like I can from other men, so easy.

Which means I need to get my final paper written before this goes down in flames. I am not going to go through what I did last semester, and what I did during midterms. This is not going to get fucked up again, to put it bluntly.

I owe him nothing, I owe myself everything.

I have to maintain.


  1. I got nothing.... But I'm here for support.

  2. Reminding me that this is the man who engineered a foursome with three chicks that happened to be walking by his apartment simply by using three bottles of beer.
    Wow that really appeals to the adolescent male-adulation part of my mind. How awesome is that!?

    Next thing you'll tell me he drives ZR1. My mancrush will be complete after that.

  3. I wish I could be there to hang out with you that day so I could help you keep your mind off him. He is a trap, and a facade of the real man you always talk about. He has no foundation of core values. You have become his "strange" for a moment once again. You are his toy for a day. Once he accomplishes his goal of the moment, he will put you back in your box until the next time he feels like playing with you again. You are so much better. I hope that the words in your blog stay with you and in your mind that day so even if you are with him you will see him for who he really is and it just may sicken you. If he takes you out.....MAKE him go clubing with you.....tell him that it shouldnt matter who sees him. If he is a real man he can handle it. He just so lacks class. Take control of your own destiny, or destiny will take control of you, and you may not like going where it takes you. He may be grooming you for his next box office hit of the x rated kind. We all here, are the people that really care about you! OK I am getting off my soap box, Take care, and keep us posted, Sweet

  4. "setting myself up for more heartbreak"

    Operative sentence. You should have told him no, not now, maybe later, in a few months or weeks. He may not mean to be, but he's jerking you around. Keep your distance until you know being around him won't fuck you up. Remember last time you saw him it turned into a booty call. Right?

  5. You at least know your boundaries. Monogamy.

    You are true to your core values, even if they don't match most people's. You deserve someone who is equally true to his.

  6. Savage,

    Aw, thanks. I need the support. This is awful.


    It's pretty damn awesome, yes. And he's owned many nice cars. Not sure if that was one of them or not. I'll find out for you, and if that was once in his possession, I'll certain give you his number so you can schedule your man-date.


    I'm going to stay strong. I'm still debating on what I'm going to do about this weekend. But don't worry about me ever being in porn. He just owns the location, not any porn company. And he'd never want me to be in porn.


    I'm going to talk to him about this, I think. Push him off me, get more space. And I truly don't think either of us meant for it to turn into a booty call. One thing is for sure, though: it's not going to again. Not unless I get what I want, in some way, shape or form.


    Good point, as always. I think he's got a lot of internal conflict going on between his core values and his desire for me. I don't think I could ever win that one.