Friday, May 21, 2010

Moment of *squeak*

Well, it's currently official, pending interference by natural disasters.

Roman is coming out to stay with me for a few days in three weeks.

The one man in my life right now that I'd actually sleep with.

The one man in my life right now that I can actually talk to.

I'm torn between a *squeak* of happiness and a "what exactly is the universe planning that is going to prevent this from happening?" thought.

Because that happens to me a lot.

In other, less exciting news, tomorrow looks to be packed. Scattered errands and socialization in the morning and early afternoon, date in the late afternoon/early evening with the porn director, clubbing at night. Invited to a birthday dinner as well, but that's likely not going to happen.

Not really... wanting to go out on that date tomorrow.

It's one of those fruitless endeavors. It really is fairly useless. He's not anyone I would have a relationship with, nor can/will I sleep with him. Too risky. So it's just another social point of contact in yet another series of social leapfrogging because I don't let my social circles overlap.

Which is probably because of experiences I had in childhood/early teenage years of losing entire social groups due to drama, and always being the little bitch of the group (because I did not grow a set until after getting kicked out of college).

It's simply not socially safe to have a small number of social groups.

Things happen, people change, drama happens, groups age and then... cocooning. Watching some partner off into safe, happy, sexless relationships. Content. Not adventuring. Locked into their lives. Locked into their friends, their friends' friends, and those who float in, having little to no say over the whole group.

I never fully belong.

But, sometimes, that's a good thing.

So, another friend. Maybe someone I mildly mess around with. Another person to work into my too-busy schedule.


I kinda don't even want to get to know him, as he's just going to wind up another guy that I hung out with once or maybe twice, then tapered off talking to because my plate is already too full. And then I feel bad, and pressured.

Heh, I'm kinda setting myself up for a miserable date, aren't I?

No time for a relationship, losing desire for casual sex.

Frightening to think that maybe, after what I experienced with GV8, that I may no longer be able to have casual sex. God knows that the only reason I'm able to consider sleeping with Roman is because I care for him so much. As much as you can when all you have is the voice on the other end of a telephone, knowing that things will go absolutely no where.

So am I there now? Stuck in that place where nothing is going to "work" except for emotions, that I'll start emotionally entangling myself with any man I end up sleeping with regularly?

Or is that just weakness, vulnerability, left over by GV8 stripping me so raw?

That, eventually, I'll get back to normal, to casual sex for the sake of casual sex?

Maybe. I suppose time will tell.

Kinda of odd, being so emotionally vulnerable on a sexual level. That's so new, something I can hardly remember. When I started banging the nights away, I was doing so out of self-destruction, more focused on myself than the person I was sleeping with, using them to hurt my basic value system instilled in me by my parents. So the man didn't really matter, and I was aiming, purposefully, so low quality, that one-night stands were expected. It wasn't until I was 17-18 that I started having regular partners.

Aside from the first person I slept with, I never had that real chance or inclination to bond with my partners. And even that first person, while I thought myself in love with him, the sex did nothing to bring us closer together, though I enjoyed it. It wasn't needed, no bonds were strengthened.

Then GV8 flips things around on me. Shows me what emotional sex can be like.

Never thought I'd learn that.

Never thought I'd be one of those people that say making love is better than fucking.

Another check-mark in the column of "craziness".


  1. Never thought I'd be one of those people that say making love is better than fucking.

    Welcome to humanity. :-)

  2. I understand why you would want to spend time with Roman...what I don't understand is why Roman would come to visit when he is married. Is there a missing link in this story, or is there a question of his loyalty. This is not a judgement call, it is just that you value the phone relationship that you currently have with him. Isn't it possible that a visit may alter the future use of that life line?

    I am in a bit of a black whole today. It is my day off, but I feel almost paralized to do anything more than sit here at my computer and blog. I have a list of names on my phone, but noone that I can really call right now to talk to.

    Living life without a relationship has been a downer for me, so I can understand your need for social interaction, filling every empty time slot so as not to leave space for lonliness. There are so many things I should be doing, yet I would rather go back to bed.

    Having said all that, I would rather be here, by myself, not making any additional complications that will only stand to prevent me from my goals. Goals that could really change my state of mind. I hope that your visit goes well, and that you find true friendship with Roman, and not just another dissapointment to forget.

    I will reserve comment on the porn guy, lol. Thanks for the post, Sweet

  3. Aldonza,

    No, no! I don't want to join humanity! Aw, take it back. :******(



    Oh, Roman isn't married. I would have never invited him out if he had even been in a relationship without establishing it was a platonic trip.

    Fortunately, he's single. So it works out.

    I hope you don't go back to bed, and I'm glad you're working on your goals, especially getting back to Washington, sooner than expected.