Found the comment on the previous post:
A beautiful post written by a very special, one of a kind, Alli Kitten.
There is much to be said for saving the making of love, for that one special person.
I am very proud of you for the strength and resolve you have shown over the past months, by not falling back into old, self destructive behavior.
You grow by days every passing minute.
(I think I just penned a new quote)
I can also appreciate the honesty in your writing. Spent the better part of a day reading through it all. It comes so much from the heart.
I may just have to marry you one day soon.
With your approval of course...
This actually was GV8. This has been confirmed.
It's 320AM.
For my own need to go back to bed, I'm denying that this has happened.
Nope, not reality.
As a side note, I'm going to be in San Francisco all weekend+holiday for a co-worker's wedding. Won't be posting, but I'll be back.
Assuming my head doesn't explode from trying to mesh that comment with real life.
Friday, May 28, 2010
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I'd tell him he's full of bullshit and consider him as such until he shows up with a ring. On bended knee. With a referral to a reproductive specialist.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate all of the comments, support, advice and knowledge shared over the many months of Posts relating to POF. and I.
ReplyDeleteMuch Thanks, GV8
So I ask you all the following:
Should wedding bells ring?
maurice
Aldonza
The Savage
Dan_Brodribb
sweetmagnoliya
Hannah Miet
Lindsay
sistasage
Nepenthe
Phoenixism
SDaedalus
P.S. I am not trying to hijack the Blog.
I'm not the person whose permission you need, GV8, so I'm not sure why you would ask. I kind of resent you dragging me into this actually, because both of your posts contain the distinct fragrance of manipulation.
ReplyDeleteI also find your timing highly suspect.
Quite frankly, I like you a lot better reading about you through V's eyes than what I can see for myself through your words and behavior.
That said, what I think isn't what's important here.
Good luck to you. Whatever happens, I hope it brings you happiness.
Well said, Dan. I'm getting a very different idea of GV8 myself. It's really a shame that people can't offer advice to a woman who asks for it without being mocked for it later. I definitely vote against the marriage idea. Clearly, she can do better and with someone who is sincere in their love for her, not someone who makes a grand appearance on the blog after reading she was with another man. I'm disappointed... I expected more.
ReplyDeleteGV8 -
ReplyDeleteMan up, boy. Propose, now. Or, run the risk of losing what you clearly want.
GV8
ReplyDeleteI suspected myself it would only be a matter of time before you found Poetry's blog.
Assuming the lip photo on your blog is the bottom part of the eye photo on this blog, you make a very handsome couple indeed.
I can also see from your email that you are a charmer.
And we all know about how good you are in the sack.
But of course there often needs to be more than this for a lasting relationship.
Poetry is a wonderful person and deserves the best.
But you haven't been making her happy.
I think you'd have to change your lifestyle quite a lot before you could do so.
From what she has said, Poetry does not need the insecurity of an open relationship.
Based on what I've read about you, I'm not sure that you'd be able to manage monogamy in the long or indeed the short term. No reflection on you for this, different things suit different people.
But, if you feel you could, then you'd better start proving it to her, and more importantly to yourself. By your conduct. See if you can manage it. If you can't, cut ties and move on. Let her find someone else, who can make her happy.
I think marriage is way too early until you've worked all this out. Poetry has suffered a lot of pain in her short life, do you really want to add a broken marriage to this?
Before you propose marriage to Poetry, you need to know yourself, and whether there is a reasonable chance of you being able to make her happy. I don't think you know this yet.
As far as I can see, you've always been fairly honest with her about yourself up to now. Don't change this, just to hang on to her, that's selfish.
Don't promise to change, unless you have proved to yourself that you can do so. And if I were you, I'd leave her alone while you're finding this out.
Best of luck though, finding it out.
SDaedalus
And you'd better find out if that vasectomy is reversible.
ReplyDeleteJust in case you've missed it in your reading of the blog (men are so good at selective reading), Poetry wants kids.
Mmm the fact you are asking a bunch of strangers should answer that question quickly and thoroughly :)
ReplyDeleteBesides, asking me about marriage is like asking the Pope about abortion.
A freakishly smart person once said something that I copied for reference later (actually I should have it tattooed on my forehead):
ReplyDeleteThe minute you go back, the minute you give into your emotions, you are stating that the pain of the moment, the pain that will pass you by soon enough, is too much for you. And you would rather avoid it and give up to the action of moving on, of respecting yourself and your needs, fully knowing that this person will never be able to be that one for you and accepting that.
Do not linger.
Every time you go back, you take away respect and credibility
GV8-
ReplyDeleteOn the one hand, it’s easy to understand the above commenters who stated that it really isn’t our place to answer that question. ‘Cause it’s not. On the other hand, we’ve all been giving advice about you to V. all along, have we not? On a subject that directly affects your life as well?
I’m a little annoyed, on your behalf, with those who seem to be angry at you for showing up, taking part and sharing your own emotions upon reading the retelling of your entire relationship, which obviously was and is important to you. It’s got to be good that you’ve found this blog, and its view into the heart of this marvelous woman that you might not have had in quite the same way before. Imagine if you had read this, say, 10 years from now, or not at all. Better to know it while you retain the possibility to be together, if that’s what you both decide.
And having read through it all, even though we humble readers are bystanders, at best, to the story of the two of you, it’s natural for you to be curious about what we might say, even though our views are not that important.
It’s impossible, and possibly foolish, for anyone who doesn’t really know either of you to attempt to answer your question. However, based on the outlines of the relationship that we have from this blog, I have to say I agree with most of what SDaedalus, wise creature that she is, wrote above. That’s about as well as anyone could have said it.
But I’ll add a bit more. Here’s the thing that’s bothered me about this story. V. says she wants monogamy and kids; you say you want neither. So it looks, on that level, as though she is demanding that she get everything she needs and you have to give up your needs, your lifestyle. In other words, the Greek Chorus here, and V. herself, seems to be saying that you have to make basically all the changes and sacrifices.
But really, her needs are the norm. Because they’re human needs that most men share as well, and actually that most men grow even more strongly into needing as they get older. Playerdom and fear of kids are sort of young-man things. A man in his prime, as you appear to be, craves them at some point: progeny and a loving woman to grow old with. Without them, you may find yourself at 60 with no one in your life that gives a shit about you, and wondering why you thought it was so important to chase tail for so long.
continued:
ReplyDeleteThe only way this is going to work is if what she wants is what you decide that you want too– for YOU, as well as for her. Not as a “sacrifice” or “change,” just to hang onto her. SDaedalus is right about that; it would lead to disaster and a failed marriage. Even with the best of intentions, I suspect you’d slip up pretty easily on the monogamy part. An occupational hazard of running a sex club, plus many years of habit.
further: so far, this is all in the abstract, in that it could apply to your committing to woman. But we’re talking about a specific one here, whom you evidently love. Does she inspire you to want to give up the lifestyle? The connection, the perfect sex, the wisdom, the idea of a life shared with her? Is it possible that you could evolve into needing what she needs – children, a stable partner?
If the answer to these questions is no, or even not yet, as it seems to be – then you should move on. The push-pull thing you’ve been doing with her over the last few months has made her miserable and weakened her bond with you, and trust in you. As you saw.
It has always seemed obvious to me that the push-pull was not you playing an evil game with her, as some in our Greek Chorus are pleased to think, but your being in love too and genuinely torn. Surprised, actually, that you found a woman who does, in fact, inspire you to give up the lifestyle, but you don’t seem ready, or don’t really know what to do about it.
So you have to decide. Shit or get off the pot. It’s not as hard as you’d think. Even though we’re as different as can be, I had a similar moment in my life: where I realized a hangup of mine had been holding me back from happiness. And that my indecision was making a wonderful woman unhappy, and that the things I was hanging on to in the short term were not, actually, that important in the long run of life. I had a moment of clarity at some point; decided one day that I would simply bite the bullet. Make a conscious decision to reorder my priorities. That wonderful woman is now my wife, we have a spectacularly beautiful 7-month-old baby, and I can’t believe I ever thought I didn’t want this (again: perils of a failed first marriage).
But my situation and my choices (and all of the above, of course) may not apply to you. You do seem very self-aware and honest, and you've had this question in front of you for some time. That puts you at advantage over most guys, in that you'll be much less likely to make a decision like this for the wrong reasons.
Good luck. Follow your heart. Give respect and honor to yourself and V.
Apologies if any of this is off-base, as much of it must be. Please take it in the positive spirit in which it is offered.
Hi Maurice,
ReplyDeleteI appreciated your well thought out and articulate input.
Your name was at the top of the above list for this very reason.
I also do appreciate that you spoke to V. by phone prior to posting. I am sure your phone conversations have meant a great deal to her over time and will continue to be important.
I would have messaged you in private, but there is no link.
(Not intending to hijack the blog).
Nothing you said was off-base. I am in agreement. I am also happy to hear that things have gone well for you and your family.
V. and I are trying to find a common ground. A relationship is much a negotiation process in reality, as the possibility of two people being a perfect match, near impossible.
Love, respect and honesty go a long way. Core values do have some flexibility.
I jokingly mentioned to V. last night that I could have kept the vasectomy I had in December a secret. Couples generally don't do fertility tests prior to saying their vows.
My cards are very much on the table for all of the blogosphere to see, however the intimate conversations V. and I have don't get written about for the most part. The Blog would then turn into a series of books.
Be safe and keep being there for V.
Much Respect, G
wow, i've been busy and am just catching up on my reading now. wild.
ReplyDeletequite frankly, i secretly root for v and gv8 as well, though if i were a gambler, i don't know if i'd bet on your two. you have quite a few deal-breakers in your basket, what with the babies and relationship styles... though i was polyamorous for years and am now pretty happily monogamous.
i see gv8's manipulation but that has always been there and i don't care to judge him on it; if i'd been reading his blog for as long as i have this one, i might think v was a very crazy woman - who knows? a biased viewpoint is something we rarely acknowledge correctly in ourselves. i don't actually think either one of you is manipulating each other any more or less than the other. you're both smart and you care for each other.
life's short; i say try it and see. you can always wound each other, you can always get over it (you two can, anyway). myself, i'd rather regret the things i did, not the things i didn't.
I have picked up a recent dislike to wedding bells, as they seem to be ringing with increasing frequency to people I would like to scamper up the aisle - yet without any participation in the festivities on my part.
ReplyDeleteIn fact, I dislike the public spectacle of weddings. I've been in too many where the people involved had only met each other in their respective weddings during the past ~20 years. No public spectacle should be necessary, but then again, I view marriage more as a legal institution giving the participants certain legal rights in a slight case of death by one of the partners. Incurable romantic, here.
Was that enough of a non-answer? I point to my reply in the more recent post, am cycling through manic and depressive episodes at a previously unheard of rate :P
V has been crystal clear about what she wants and needs. She's looking for the whole deal. The white picket fence. Is that what you're offering? I don't see that. I see you bored and intrigued. Wanting something you can't have anymore. Toying with her and her noters.
ReplyDeleteBut mine is just the view from the cheap seats.
I have posted my very first Blog to share a few words. GV8
ReplyDelete