Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Okay, you've gotten to me.

Well, comment moderation is now on. Again.

I don't even know what to say.

I feel like my life has turned into this division of GV8-of-Christmas-Past and GV8-of-Christmas-Future. He's gotta have a twin. There has to be some evil twin running around impersonating him.

Or I'm retarded in my mate selection.

PD votes for the latter, I'm sure.

What am I supposed to say?

I am sorry things didn't work out. I am sorry it rapidly became impossible for us to stay friends. I am sorry that I ever argued that we fit, ever thought I could deal with a non-monogamous marriage. That was foolish of me, I did not know my limits.

But I'm not sorry for recognizing those limits and standing up for myself.

I'm not sorry for getting angry when I got the whole thing blamed on me, when you told me, "You never should have said yes if you couldn't accept the life I lead" when you had told me prior that we would play together, that I would have say if I was uncomfortable with a partner choice. Then, suddenly, it was like it had never been said.

I'm not sorry for going running to PD. I didn't touch him for weeks after we broke up, you know. He acted as a friend, mostly platonic, listening to me, letting me cry on him.

I'm not sorry I did not bury myself in grief, like I had done all the other times you left me. I got used to losing you, I guess. That final time, I think I was already burned out on the concept. It hurt, but not as much as it should have.

I'm sorry I idolized you. It wasn't good for either of us, wasn't healthy for the relationship, though I do not know if you would have wanted me if I hadn't been worshipping you like I did.

I'm sorry it apparently seems to feel like I used you. It was so awkward for me, at the beginning when we started dating. You would never let me pay for my half of the meals. I'd reach for my wallet, but by the fifth or sixth date, you started snapping at me, getting irritated, telling me that you would pay for my meals, that whenever you took anyone out to dinner, friend or more, you paid.

I'm sorry you thought so little of the one time I did pay for a date, when I took us out to Disneyland for a pre-Christmas celebration, took us to the overly expensive restaurant inside Pirates of the Carribean, that I had always wanted to eat at, and wanted to share my first experience of it with you. Being an underpaid college student, that date cut into my bank account a bit, but it was worth it.

Still is.

I'm sorry you apparently got so upset about Roman coming out and thought that his visit was for the sex, not the friendship. I thought that I had expressed enough that I wasn't comfortable sleeping with him since we were engaged, even though you said I should go out and have my last, unmarried, hurrah. He never did come out, you know. He felt he'd be adding to the stress and drama.

I'm sorry I wasn't more grateful for all your help and support when my family started breaking down in late December, and help moving me out of their place into my own. You were my hero, showing up with that trailer, helping drive and unload, helping me put better locks on the windows, taking me refrigerator shopping.

But how long was I supposed to thank you? I readily admit that I would have been paralyzed by anxiety and unable to do anything if you hadn't been there to kick me in the ass, like you did. You saved me, changed my life. You kept me stable when I was the only thing between my mom and a mental breakdown, my dad and suicide, my parents and divorce.

You did everything. You were everything.

What do you want me to do?

I know you're hurting, I know you're not over it. Neither am I.

I hurt. I've disconnected a lot, more than a lot, but I'm still a wreck in some ways. I'm twitchy, anxious, overly emotional. It makes me sad to think of how things changed, and I miss having you around to talk to. Miss the idea of the life we were going to lead.

But it wouldn't have been good for me. I wouldn't have been happy. Or you wouldn't have been happy. But since you definitely have the stronger personality of the two of us, it probably would have been me.

I know I've said some harsh things on the blog, but this is my space, a space you said you were not going to touch. You supposedly said you were going to ride off into the sunset and never speak to me again. But you're here. You're reading. You're commenting and fighting with my readers if they catch your comments before I get to them.

Fortunately, I usually get to them before anyone sees them. I check my phone religiously, even when I'm asleep, I'll wake up three or four times a night to make sure things are okay.

I know it's going to take time for both of us to get over what happened. I know it hurts. I know I spurned you and then I didn't suffer as much as would have been expected. I know I'm the only woman you've ever proposed to, and it's likely a bit humilating to have announced that someone had finally wrestled you down only to flee the scene, though I'm sure you came up with some story to tell those who were concerned.

But I'm just another girl. You're surrounded by them, and I know you had no problem finding a replacement bed partner when we split. And, I've been told, you said you never really loved me, just took pity on me or somesuch. Which stings, but I suppose that just means I was never good at reading you, and each time you told me you loved me, you meant it in a friendly way, not a romantic one.

Love is love, I guess.

I'm sorry I hurt you.

If there's something you want from me, some way that I am able to make it up to you, you have my email, you have my phone number.

You've always had those.

If there is nothing I can do to make amends for turning down a marriage that would have made us both unhappy, then please leave me be.

There's nothing else I can give you.


  1. Are you two still bickering?

    Even though I had felt you weren't over GV8, I had thought he was over you. I don't understand how he would be offended over what you said here when he has went into far more gritty detail in his version.

    If anyone is going to have more damage to their image it would be you.

    Nevertheless, it is the internet and anyone can spin webs as freely as they please so I tend to take everything mentioned with a grain of salt but you two need to come to some sort of an agreement.

    You can't go on mudslinging each other. It's childish and since you two are older and presumably more "mature" than me you both should have realized that and stopped long ago.

  2. Christopher,

    The reason why I've continued to delete his comments is because I did not want to have the bickering continue, did not want this blog to turn into drama central. I've actually never responded to him before.

    It has been nearly three months since we split and I thought he had moved on. The comments had lessened, I took off comment moderation... but now he's back. Several comments later, a small mess on my blog... I just want to know what he wants in order to leave me alone. This post wasn't mudslinging, it was sincere. Nothing I've written here has been intentional mudslinging, just thoughts.

  3. It's your blog to write your thoughts in. You should be able to do EXACTLY that. If you want to write about what you had for dinner because you find it interesting, or you want to write about how you and PD are falling deeper in love... you should. There's few things I hate more than people who tell others what they should or should not write in their own blog. It's a concept I can't grasp onto. If I don't like what someone posts in their blog, I click the X and I'm done. It's just that simple.

  4. POF,

    I think if you want to get rid of GV8 you should just stop mentioning him. He will then have no further reason to pursue you and if he continues he would only dig himself further into a hole and make himself look like a jealous ex-boyfriend(Which some may or may not already think).

    I'm sure you hate the idea of censoring yourself but your constant nostalgia of "a man that never was" is bringing nothing to the table.

    You have a present and a future with PD. You shouldn't be reflecting upon someone that just made it clear he doesn't want you mentioning him.

  5. GirlX,

    I'm exactly in the same camp. My blog, my thoughts, my life. If I was somewhere else, I'd understand GV8's upset, but this is an anonymous (for now) blog that is centered on my life. It'd be odd if I left a major part of it out because it made someone unhappy.


    If I stopped mentioning him, it would be denying that I'm thinking of him, which would be an untruth. This blog is about myself, and my journey towards growth and improvement, which I think requires reflection and total honesty. GV8 had a huge impact on my life and still continues to impact me, whether or not he comments here.

    I do agree I need to stop being so nostalgic over the man that will never be, but that's something that will go away with time as I get over it, which I will.

    I don't actually read GV8's comments, so I'm not sure of the content, but the blog is anonymous, and he will continue to remain a pseudonym in it. If he stopped commenting, he'd stop bringing himself to the forefront of my attention, and he'd fade much faster from the blog.