Monday, August 23, 2010

Well, I'm sick. Coughing in a very unfeminine manner, I'll say that much.

And I'm PMSing.

And I'm tired.

And PD woke me up at like, 3AM this morning with a sudden bout of penetration that left semen dripping out of me for a good fifteen minutes, tickling me as it ran along my skin.

So I came home, showered, received a phone call from C who was on my street and picking up a copy of a movie (Brick) and some vegetables who really had to pee, which meant I was running around my apartment dripping water everywhere trying to get dressed and let her in while her boyfriend was illegally parked so she could pee.

I had no idea how fast she could run.

And now I'm here, over-warm, slouching in an unergonomic fashion in front of my desk.

One of my friends and I were chatting today.

The topic rapidly turned to a variation of the usual: I'm constantly freaking myself out because I have this fear that I'm batshit insane. I drive myself crazy worrying that I might be crazy. And, on top of that, I worry that I'm just so smart that people around me have bought the idea that I'm sane, but if they really got to know me, they'd realize I was rather batty and promptly flee the scene.

Or, as the topic shifted, that I'm so convinced I have some major flaw that makes me completely unlovable once it is discovered. That as soon as someone gets to know me well enough, they'd, like mentioned above, bolt out of a combination of disgust, terror, and disdain.

Unfortunately, I am not sure what this major flaw is. My friend says my major flaw is thinking that I have some major flaw that makes me ultimately unlovable.

He said it was like a psychosomatic thing, except it should be termed psychopsychotic.

Which was quite witty of him.

He's a witty dude.

But he's not wrong. I do believe there's something quite wrong with me that makes me unworthy of another's romantic affection. I've been slowly getting over the platonic affection thing, so much better than I was. Don't know how that happened, only that it did.

Now, I'm all about self-improvement and growth through self-analysis. And I'm usually pretty on top of my whackjobbery. But I have yet to find something within me, some particular piece of myself, that I am socially suppressing through twenty-six years of training, to the point where I don't even know what it is, to work on. I don't know what I think is ultimately "wrong" with me.

Only that I think, on a very base level, that something is wrong. Massively wrong. Wrong enough that others would turn their nose up at me and trot quite quickly in the opposite direction.

Which makes me wonder where this came from, where it's going, and what I have to do to stop it.

Anyhow, my friend asked me to write a post about the things I like about myself. Which sounds kinda silly and like something Big Bird would ask Oscar the Grouch to do over the course of the episode. But when I thought about what I would say, I started either drawing blanks or waving away the things that would be considered "good qualities" as things that I was born into, things that weren't that difficult, things that didn't really matter to me as much as other people.

It was interesting to watch my brain balk when I tried to have what most normal people do: a passing level of ego.

Will have to work on that.


  1. hi... i've been lurking but had to comment when i read this! it would appear that we may have the same illness. i have been jumping from one therapist to another trying to find one that will just admit that i am crazy. i just want someone to tell me what's wrong with me! instead they applaud my life choices, tell me i have a good head on my shoulders and then make light of my concerns. even my trusted family doctor who i trust with my life has laughed me off for years. the exercise your friend suggested is similar to what my most recent therapist suggested. funny, when i called her, i said that i actually was calling because i couldn't get through to admitting at the local mental hospital. when she met me she all but laughed in my face! it's like you said, i feel like i am so crazy that i am effortlessly good at making people believe that i'm not. i don't even know how i do it!! lol

    sorry for the novel. that just struck a nerve with me.

    you have a great blog btw

    feel free to visit me and judge for yourself ;)

  2. You should never doubt yourself, I naturally think I am superior to everyone I meet. Other people may think I have a big ego, even my parents consider me somewhat psychotic but the truth is I am just better than everyone I know. You seem confused, if so many people love you, then why don't you accept you are lovable?

  3. You have to love yourself before you can fully open yourself up to another to love you. I have gone over the speech many times when I was serious with my ex, then engaged, then married... "when he figures out what's wrong with me, he's going to bolt." I swore that he was going to discover that I'm really a nutjob. As it turned out, I exposed more of my inner self to him than I ever have to anyone in my life... and he didn't walk for that reason. He walked because he wanted to buy a home and take the easy route by living with his parents while saving money.

    I have come to realize that with no risk comes no reward. Take it slow and at a pace you're comfortable with, but show more of yourself to PD. I am just sure that he will not run for the hills. Your inner self is never as ugly as you think it is. We're our own worst critics.

    I am with you on the sinus issues... my allergy problem is now a cold with allergies making it worse. Awesome. I could go to bed right now.

  4. GV8, if you truly let it go you wouldn't continue to come back here and check the blog. Just walk away and stop looking back.

  5. Not necessarily true. My ex bad mouths me all the time. I don't care what he tells people, because I know the truth about us.

    I know one thing I'm not a big supporter of and that's drama. You create an awful lot of it.. and then you want the "audience" here to believe your side of the story. It's just a bit ridiculous to me.. but that's just my opinion (not that it matters).

    If you really moved on you wouldn't still be following her blog and you wouldn't give a crap about what she has to say. Come on now. Let's be realistic. Clearly, you have more things to do in life than come back here and answer silly comments and blog posts? Before you ask me the same thing... no, because this is way more exciting than my current dating life. lol

  6. I think you're sane. But I think I'm insane. Does the opinion of an insane person count?

  7. violet badbunny,

    I don't know if I feel that I'm certifiable, but there are definite times when I wonder why I'm so off-kilter from almost everyone I meet, and if there is something just wrong with me on a basic level. Glad you're enjoying the blog. :)


    I don't know why. I wish I could just perk up and think I'm amazing because I'm friends with so many amazing people who I care about, who care about me. But something stops me.


    Your ex reminds me of my ex, Darkeyes. The more you say about him, the more I feel like I know exactly the type of man you married. High-five for both of us getting out of it.

    I'm not sure what I think of my innerself. I know I'm not a "bad" person, but I just think... I'm not sure. Too vulnerable, maybe. People fall in love with the shell, you know?


    It counts at least once. Multiple times if there are multiple voices. ;P