Monday, July 27, 2009

Just in case I like the dancing...

Thinking has been spurred.

No, not spurned.

My sister. My young, inexperienced sister.

I'm doing this wrong.

We grew up as entirely different people in the same household.

But for all of our differences, we did have the same parents. And, if there's one thing I know, it is the feeling of not being listened to, not being understood, not being acknowledged, and being constantly told that what you are doing is wrong and this is how you should do it because you're not experienced enough to make your own decisions so just do as you're told.

That's what I grew up with, that's what she grew up with. We just handled it differently.

And now I'm dealing with it just as my parents would, just as they are.

I'm trying to stop her. I'm not respecting her or her decisions. I'm not supporting her. I occasionally listen to her just so I can gather information on the situation and try to maintain and manipulate the situation.

I'm not actually listening.

She's incredibly alone right now. She has a boyfriend that she loves dearly but who is a complete and total mess. And she's the only one who believes in him and supports him because both my parents and I have given up.

I do not need to support him, but I do need to support her and her choices as best I can, I need to put faith in her and trust that she is doing what feels right.

So I will.

And if things fall apart and she's left in pieces, I will stand by her while she learns how to pick herself up and continue on.

Because I'm her sister.

1 comment:

  1. spurred, indeed.

    this is the opposite of what i was thinking you'd do in my comment below. but as you know the people, emotions, situation, and history way better than any outside observer could, i'll have to trust that your instincts are right, and you're doing the right thing. going counter to her expectations at this point as it were.

    it does seem somewhat like toughlove - to let her fail, or ruin her life (at least for a time), because she's too stubborn to listen to anyone around her.

    but your point about being spoiled and isolated from consequences of bad decisions - that rings true as well. i've known a lot of people like that. and they're actually annoying. after a while you kind of want them to fall on their face, just so they'll stop being so smug all the time. unless, that is, they're a member of your family.

    so good luck with however you decide to go forward. two thoughts, though:

    1) as you are the black-sheep sibling with all the tough life experience - unlike the 'rents - wouldn't your word have a little more weight? and, if/when you show up to pick up the pieces when this inevitably goes to shit, will she call you on that? will she say. "i thought you were giving me good advice when you backed me in my choices, in the relationship" (or whatever - words to that effect).

    2) dad seems to have a lot of weight in this house, esp. with her, as the protector-from-consequences in chief. and you have indicated he is prone to bursts of anger/excessive control. yet you suggested in an earlier post he is in an oddly passive frame of mind, due to issues of his own, right now. does he have the decisive word? could he eject said loser bf from the home, and her with him, to force a difficult decision? wouldn't this be better, in the long run, than a marriage/divorce? in other words, if he's used to playing the tyrant, for once it might do more good than harm. if i'm not totally misreading the situation.

    you are on the right, and she is on the left. you have the same gorgeous eyes.