Thursday, November 12, 2009

Okay, I need to do something.

That last post was a reflection of what was going on in my mind when I saw him. When I thought, "Oh, Christ, no" and attempted to create humor in my own mind so I would not feel so cornered and chased.

But it brought to the surface... other things.

Feelings of guilt. Feelings of fear. Feelings of being perceived as a bitch who has gotten an inflated sense of ego because of the man who selected her and nothing that she did for herself. Worries.

So I'm going to attempt to do something I've never done before: break down my own post.

It started with this:

"I've been noticing a particular man sniffing around me again, one that backed off when GV8 and I became an item."

The sniffing, the backing off, are animal-related. It's automatically putting the man in question into a lower-class, a desire-driven, lacking consciousness class. It's lowering him into a category of a lack of self-awareness, a man controlled by his sexual needs.

"When we were "in talks" about sleeping together, I was on the fence."

"In talks" makes it sound like a negotiation. Me being "on the fence" is placing me, again, in a position of power, making it sound like he was the one pursuing, the one offering, the one coming from a position of less desirability. I actually believe this to be true, and not a reflection of my own mental issue.

"In person, he was charming, he was social, he was attractive."

Explaining any interest on my part so it doesn't sound like I was considering sleeping with a man who was below my standards.

"But when I did not see him for a day or two, he faded from my mind almost entirely, and any thought of sleeping with him only proved to provoke feelings of resistance and distaste on my part."

Justifying my lack of interest in him now by showing that I wasn't really interested in him then.

"I attributed that to my (then, casual) interactions with GV8 and my tendency to go monogamous when I find a man that I would actually date."

There's that phrase again "that I would actually date" that I keep tossing out there because of that overarching fear that I keep hidden from myself that I am too odd, without being odd enough, to ever really find a man that suits me, making it look more like a conscious choice than acknowledging that I'm too strange, too out-there for most men, yet I get a constant parade of betas chasing after me, that I'm not "good enough" for the men I would actually date (though that's yet to be proven true, it is still a fear that I'm missing one because he would not have me).

"And I was staring at my screen, wondering to myself how I am going to relay to him that he is no longer desirable."

No longer desirable. That I've come so far in the last six months that I'm magically above him, magically torn free of the last remaining chains, that something within me has been shown the light, yadda yadda, I'm a dipshit, yadda.

And then the defense mechanisms kick in full force:

"That he was barely meeting the bar of my criteria, and now that GV8 has moved said bar, he no longer reaches my desires."

...ouch. Really? It's true that being exposed to GV8 has made me realize more of what I want in my partner now, and it's true that seeing how those men act has made me even more aware of the things I do not find attractive in the normal, socially-acceptable male, but still. Harsh.

Also trying to combat the fear that GV8 moving my "bar" so high has not made it so that I will want men that I could never have because I'm not up to their "bar".

Also still putting him in a lower position.

And he's done nothing but be nice, honest, and attracted to me.

""Dear Sir,"

Most people don't realize this, but I use "sir" a lot. It's my universal term when talking to men. It has various meanings, depending on my tone, but goes mocking about 50% of the time. Also to be noted, if I call someone "Captain" or "Chief", I'm usually talking down to them when they try to be in control of a situation and I think they're failing.

"I'm sorry but, you see, you are no longer attractive."

Rejection-letter style. Another lowering of his level in relation to mine. I'm such a winner.

"You were somewhat attractive, but now I have greater feelings of self-worth and, having been exposed to an incredibly alpha man who satisfied me on almost every level I could ask for, I find settling for less than that to be too much of a drain on my time when I have so many other things I must fit into my schedule."

Well, this is making me wince with embarassment. Which, by the by, is why I'm not deleting it. I need to remember not to act this way.

"Somewhat attractive" - another put-down, another lowering

"Greater feelings of self-worth" - another example of my fear that I now have an inflated idea of myself that will cause me to get into embarassing scrapes, that will cause me to only be interested in guys on a level that I cannot reach, and that, somehow I've become "better". As in, since I now value myself more, the man in question has lesser value than I currently have.

"Incredibly alpha man" - he's not measuring up, and I'm, again, elevating GV8.

"Satisfied me on almost every level" - inference that this other guy could never even attempt to do so, which is apparently incredibly obvious because I'm not even going to give him the chance.

"settling" - another blow to him, that he's not good enough, also echoing back to my fear that I will, eventually, have to settle for less than I feel I am due to the inflated self-worth, a man I can't respect and am not attracted to due to that lack of respect.

"Drain on my time" - oooh, like a parasite. That's complimentary.

"So many other things" - also a value, elevating me to a busy person with a lot on her plate, lots of demands, and him not being worth fitting into those demands.

"Part of the problem is that I've actually gotten to know you."

...that was not very nice.

"You can't slide by me as a one-night stand where I can create illusions and impressions that reality does not have to validate."

Glorification of self because I feel like such hot shit for knowing that I do this. That this realization of self is such a winning thing. Also telling him he's not good enough for a one-night stand. Also telling him that he is not good enough as a stand-alone when I judge him. He is not desirable unless I create a fantasy around him because the reality that he is is not good enough.

"There are no hidden secrets, no mysteries about you that I can draw on with my girlish, feminine brain and add hopeful things that simply aren't there."

More insults, another claim informing him that he'd better in my head than in life if I didn't know him. Girlish, feminine brain is an insult I flung at myself, deriding because I feel one-night stands are preferrable because I don't have to worry about being rejected, about not being understood, about learning the truth about my partner's character later and feeling let down. One-night stands are those fantasies you keep with you until reality takes them away. Kicking myself for doing this, but at the same time feeling as this may be my only option when I feel so alone I need to seek the illusion of understanding company.

That sentence is more about attacking me than him, looking over it.

""It's not that you're not a good-looking man. You are. You're in good shape, you have decent bone-structure, though, admittedly, you're blond and that doesn't really work for me."

More qualifications so readers can see why I considered him. So they don't think less of my partner-choice. The blond bit was a disqualifier and unnecessary.

"You own property, you have your own business, you're successful and smart, we share the same outlook on religion."

More qualifications and the added bonus of a personal touch that actually means nothing to me if I'm not looking to date a person. I don't know why I tossed that in there. Maybe to balance the sentence, though I think it sounds awkward and throws it off more than anything.

"But you're too nice. You're too soft."

Apparently I feel the need to express that I need a bad boy and he's not it.

"You don't take reality and beat it into the shape you want. You don't strive with every piece of you for more and take everything you can grab."

Traces of GV8 found in the post, things that I have never seen in another man, so I'm certainly not going to see it often. It's simply more insults while rubbing into my own face that I'm unlikely to find those traits again, injuring myself through words, through sadness at the loss that I chose to take.

"Your bedroom skills, while I'm sure are above average, will still require me training you, coaching you, working with you."

Yeah. More GV8, combined with my continued frustration of men that don't know what they're doing, or think they know what they're doing, or are too shy to do what they want to do, or don't trust me when I say I can take it. Also the worry that I'm going to be stuck with men like that for the rest of my life, constantly educating, constantly teaching, never being able to respect, never being able to relax and let control go and actually fully enjoy myself in bed. Because I constantly have to monitor my partners and I hate it.


And the final thrust! 500 hit-points! He's down for the count!

"...oh, yeah, I'm going to be single for the rest of my life."

More fear going back to having inflated expectations that I don't actually measure up to.

Finished off with:

"If only because I can't apparently can't relay the above sentiment without sounding like a total bitch."

Which was more of me realizing that I sounded like a stuck-up whore, finding a bad taste in my mouth, not sure where it was coming from, so adding this in so people would hopefully not look at me like I'm looking at myself.

Full of win, kids. Full of win.


  1. That's about the funniest post I have read from you.... Love it.

  2. I'm glad you posted it.

    Because the "Dear Sir," letter stung a bit even though it wasn't directed at me, personally.

    Even though I'm thrilled and in love with my sweetie, I still feel that letter being silently written at me by every attractive women I meet.

    But it just now occurred to me that they AREN'T writing me that letter.

    I write it to myself.

    In a weird way, that's kind of a liberating realization.


  3. Dan,

    Yeah, exactly. It was such a... eesh, horrible, diseased letter. As soon as I posted it, I felt horrible.

    I'm glad your realization was liberating for you. We all write these letters to ourselves.