Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Rick ended up forgetting about our dinner date due to sickness and mishaps at home with his kids.

Roll to 745PM, me sitting in the waiting area, legs stretched across the aisle to rest my heels on the bench opposite, book in hands.

I got there early. There was a store nearby that I wanted to check out... that I did not know would close at the ungodly hour of 7PM. Arrived at 658PM, thirty minutes to kill before he was supposed to be there.

I haven't been stood up in a long time. Actually, I can think of one other occasion, and what was simply, like this one, a reschedule.

When I called him, and he relayed to me that the babysitter fell through, he was sick, had completely forgot... when I called, he didn't pick up the phone with an apology or an "oh my god" it was more of a "hey, what's going on" and then I had to remind him.

Yeah, that bad.

The emotion that followed that was like a spear through my side.

It's... it's a lot. He said we'd be best friends, good friends, for the rest of our lives, once we had enough time to separate our emotions, move on. Cue a couple years down the line, we're both over it, and yet... best friends? No. Good friends? No. Close friends that occasionally happen to talk? Yeahhhhh. Nearer to that.

We share too much history not to be close.

But there's close because of shared history and there's close because you connect, or you're without barriers.

It makes me feel like a discarded doll. He has his life, his wife, his kids, his houseful of random animals, and I am, rightly so, a relatively unimportant feature. He makes time for his guy friends, but not so much for me.

This is why, when GV8 told me at our December break-up, that he'd always be my friend, always be in my life, I told him, "Sure. I'll believe it if you're still around a few years from now."

It's motive, motive derived from value.

Too many times, too often. Cast off for others that are also cast off themselves. Another life comes by, and they've disappeared because I no longer offer value to them. Or not enough to compare to the potential of what they may have.

And should I be that important? When in the face of their future? No, probably not.

But I do not want to be told of a future that we're going to have when it's based off of emotions that will fade. I know they're not lying to me, they have full intent of being close friends... but then when the love fades, followed by the guilt of not living up to what they promised when still brimming with connection, they go on. I go on. That's the way it is.

Because time is sparse. We can only devote enough of it to each person that comes by, and we do so by measuring value. We make time for people we get more value from, and that value is defined differently from person to person. When you have a relationship where the main value lies in building a future together, and the emotions that link the two of you, once there is no longer a future together, and once that emotion is put onto another... where do you derive value?

I value Rick because he's the one person whose opinions and input I trust. I might disagree with him on certain topics, but he will make sure I understand what I'm disagreeing with. So I make time to call him.

The ending we had was, while incredibly painful, was not nearly as damaging to me, I think, as the subsequent promises of close friendship that were abandoned when he met his wife.

And even though I can go through the logic of why that happens, as above, logic I truly believe, I cannot stop myself from feeling abandoned, hurt, and betrayed.

He knows this.

And he felt awful that he had forgotten our dinner plans.

But that does not change the way things are, nor should it.

I don't like this feeling of abandonment. I don't like feeling like I've been shoved into the corner of the closet in his mind, to be taken out when impulse strikes, which it rarely does. It tosses everything we shared out on the street, like a freight truck with its doors flapping open, boxes tumbling out.

It makes me feel less. Makes me feel little.

And I keep telling myself that I should not derive my value from others, but who among us does not? Who is entirely self-contained and happy? I know so few, and I keep preaching to myself to stop picturing my own worth by who loves me, who wants me, and that is not a safe thing to do.

But oh so typical.


  1. I haven't been able to put my finger on it until tonight.

    That unique quality that permeates your posts and inner revelations on this blog.

    I used to call it "courage" and "boldness." Which I'm sure you possess in healthy amounts. The word escaped me before.

    But I think it's vulnerability.
    That's what you have, Poetry.
    It's an idea I've been toying around with for a week for a post of my own, but reading this helped me connect the dots right now.

    I admire the ability to be vulnerable...because I am so lacking in it. In fact, I do everything in my power to repress and disguise vulnerability.

  2. Regardless of how it may feel, you sound spot on.

  3. Poetry

    You are so brave and honest. I really love reading your blog. It is very difficult to stay friends with exes, although one might sincerely intend to do so it is hard for some people to live up to these intentions.

    I don't think it is a good idea to rely on exes as a source of support. What you need to do is to find someone who values you for the great person that you are and who is able to give you this support.

    Although I do think GV8 values you very much (I would say as much as he's capable of), I don't think he's really able to deal with the emotions involved in a relationship with you, and from reading your blog I'm not sure he'll ever be able to. You can't really expect him to be somebody he's not.

    There is definitely someone out there for you but I'm not sure it's GV8 and although you should certainly stay on good terms with him I think you should be looking for someone else.

    I think when you see that the difficulty or lack preventing the relationship is with GV8 rather than you things will get easier. I think part of the power he has over you is because you are blaming yourself for his behaviour, this is nothing to do with you, it is something in him and you can only take him so far.

  4. I won't make any promises but as long as you blog and I remain interested in blogging I'll always read you stuff even if I don't comment.

    Your insights in yourself have helped me in my own little journey for change.

    If I am ever in the area I'll ask you to dinner and not stand you up....

  5. Phoenixism,

    I've felt for a long time that to keep secrets of one's own weaknesses is simply asking to be destroyed. Things get held against you, held above you, and walls are made because you've fenced yourself off from the world. Nothing gets in, nothing gets out.

    It's hard to be vulnerable, especially at first. But then you find that the world does not swoop down to destroy you, your friends do not abandon you, and you're not nearly as weak as you think.

    I do hope you make that post.


    It's a curse. I wish I could use my logic to program my emotions and get over it. Blah.


    Aw, thank you. I try not to rely on my exes as sources of support, and usually succeed, but there's that knowledge I want from Rick. He was so important to me, so very impacting. I do try to do it on my own, for the most part, but there are times when I need his advice to get past particular humps in the road.

    It's hard, not to have someone to talk to who gets you and is able to understand your values. It's this odd feeling of missing a limb, of having a conversation with someone who speaks another language, but is convinced they know yours.

    I am starting to see GV8 as the source of difficulty in the relationship... and it's bothering me. I'm frustrated with him, irritated as hell, and losing respect for him. It makes me feel a bit lost, that this person I felt was so important and so connected to me... it was just emotion, nothing more. Instincts off-kilter.

    I'm loving the writing style on your blog, by the way. It's wonderful.

    The Savage,

    I hope you keep blogging, sir. And I'm so glad that my thoughts are helping you... it's good to know that they're being of use instead of simply me ranting at people.

    You should get out here. How will I ever teach you to eat an artichoke otherwise?

  6. I do try to do it on my own, for the most part, but there are times when I need his advice to get past particular humps in the road

    I think sometimes one just has to go it on one's own, in the knowledge that one does not have full knowledge. I'd try to talk to Rick, but if he isn't of help go for it on your own. There is no certainty about anything in this world but I think you need to move forward, I really do.

    It's this odd feeling of missing a limb, of having a conversation with someone who speaks another language, but is convinced they know yours

    Yes I know, it is like trying to walk through treacle, very few people actually understand one another when conversing (come to think of it very few people actually listen to one another when conversing)

    It makes me feel a bit lost, that this person I felt was so important and so connected to me... it was just emotion, nothing more. Instincts off-kilter

    Yes and it is so hard to accept that we misjudged people to be better than they were, that we read into them our own desires and wishes.

    It is hard to accept because it involves an admission that we got it wrong, this is really hard to accept particularly if one prides oneself on one's understanding of others, as I suspect we both do.

    But I think you have to accept it. The guy is not going to change at this stage, you are wasting your time trying to imagine him to be someone he is not, there may well be someone out there who lives up to your ideals but you are not going to find them while you are still dreaming of GV8.

    In fact you moving on is probably the one thing that might get him to change (but I would not hold out too much hope on this, I think once you move on you will have a better perspective on him and his flaws)

    I'm loving the writing style on your blog, by the way. It's wonderful

    Thank you so much, I am really pleased, I only wish I could write as well as you do.

    PS Try being happy, it is more interesting than one might think, Tolstoy got it wrong re. unhappy families, they are more boring than happy ones.