Okay, we're running up on 11:15PM.
Lots of thoughts running through my head, very little time for them. Work is trying to eat my life and, really, it's getting there.
Spent Saturday, Sunday, and Monday night with PD.
Spending Wednesday, Thursday, and this coming Saturday night with PD.
This, this is... how I acted with Rick. Well, less extreme.
From the first day Rick and I met, we saw each other every day for eight months. Never skipped one. Just happened that way.
Of course, Rick lived less than five miles from my work... so it was easy.
C wonders if I'm rebounding. I was wondering that as well, a few days ago, concerned that I was being one of those girls that goes from one relationship directly into the next, using the budding connection/sexual validation as emotional padding for the transition.
I've always had months in between relationships. Give myself a breather, a time to collect my head.
But... not this time.
Not that I was expecting a relationship, as previous blog posts will attest.
But this whole mess with GV8... I understand now. I understand better, myself and what I want from a partner, what I am willing to forgo and what I am not willing to forgo.
And, PD... he's... yeah. Lovely.
We were dating before GV8 slammed into us, and now we're dating again. Or... something. It's this sort of odd situation where I'm a little fragile and high-strung, but he's right there. Right there with this sense that I know him, that I've known him for years. Our bodies just line up, working together. Ease.
I keep waiting for something bad to surface, like I do.
I keep trying not to kick myself for appearing like one of those flighty girls. This isn't me jumping from one relationship to the next because of a fear of being single. I don't fear being single. I tend to relish it, once I get used to not having a partner to factor into my schedule.
It's weird, being with someone who treats me like I'm human.
But when he's silent, I mentally freak. I'm like an abused puppy, waiting for him to tell me how he's evaluated my behavior, like a paper being graded, the red sharpie descending to plaster "F" across my being.
Then he reminds me that he's not GV8. And I have to sit there and breathe and believe him or I'll drive myself nuts.
Anyway, we'll see what happens. I've been totally infatuated before, and I will be so again. Need to calm the hell down.
More when I'm not about to pass out.
About Me
- Poetry of Flesh
- Los Angeles, CA, United States
- Love Sonnet XI
Pablo Neruda
I crave your mouth, your voice, your hair.
Silent and starving, I prowl through the streets.
Bread does not nourish me, dawn disrupts me,
all day I hunt for the liquid measure of your steps.
I hunger for your sleek laugh,
your hands the color of a savage harvest,
hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails,
I want to eat your skin like a whole almond.
I want to eat the sunbeam flaring in your lovely body,
the sovereign nose of your arrogant face,
I want to eat the fleeting shade of your lashes,
and I pace around hungry, sniffing the twilight,
hunting for you, for your hot heart,
like a puma in the barrens of Quitratue.
Hey. We may get to meet in five years or so. That's the plan my gal and I have. Move to LA in five years so she can get all famousy in the film industry.
ReplyDeleteMe? well I'll find a regular Joe job or become a crazy famous artist....
Bad relationships make us question when we have something perfectly good (and.. what we deserve) right there in our reach. I don't think this is a rebound. You seemed pretty ready to move on before he came around and you went into it with low expectations. If you were rebounding, you'd have been running to that date and throwing yourself at him. I don't see that at all. If he treats you right and really cares for you, then that is what you deserve. Enjoy it, don't question it (easier said than done.... believe me I know.)
ReplyDeleteWait, I thought PD was the GV8-alike guy who also can't give munchkins and may not be able to give either of the other two "M's" either?
ReplyDeleteThis might be a good time for reflection. A time to go back and read at least 10 posts. I feel like you are moving like you are in one of those revolving glass doors and you are continuing to walk around the same circle which keeps your head spinning in perpetual motion, and yet you are not getting out on the other side.
ReplyDeleteThere was a candid clarity in this blog that seems as though it has spun out fo control to become something differant. It is becoming a fragmented series of frenzied thoughts with missing information.
This post feels like a rationalization for the choices you are making now and it could be a sign that you a withholding your true motivation for wanting to dive into this new "relationship".
Work is a stablizing factor for most people and while it is time consuming and sometimes even unpleasant, it is the vehicle that moves us along in life and affords us all the creature comforts that we may enjoy. I understand how it feels to be so caught up in the moment that you just want it to continue, but unless you are in to bungy jumping, let your job be that stable foundation that actually protects you from loosing perspective.
I have been working 6 days a week to straighten out my finnances, and even though I would rather be on a tropical Island sipping on an umbrella drink, I feel sure about my direction.
All I want to say is step back, take a deep breath, and get your footing back, remember what you already have, and dont let anything or anyone take your personal power. That structure that you created, your job, your classes, your apartment, even your individuality.
Endorphines can be more addicting than any drug, and they can actually erase objectivity. I am posting a blog on my site that I am dedicating to you, check it out when you have time....Luv, Sweet
It seems that Poetry is deathly afraid of the 3 M's herself, so even though she claims to want them, she keeps going for men who clearly can't offer her all 3. She's deluding herself. She is scared of the life her mother and her parents led, and she is doing everything from sleeping around to falling for porn directors in order to escape "normal" life. Her own choices have led to her own misery. She will continue on this path, whining poetically and making people feel sorry for her, indefinitely.
ReplyDeleteI am simply curious as to why you agreed to marry GV8 when you were pining for PD all along? Money? Security? Your insecurity?
ReplyDeleteIs it normal behavior for somebody to break off an engagement and then an hour later be sharing a bed with another man?
This other man who is no more willing to offer you the 3 M's than GV8 was.
Do you normally take infatuation over love?
Why all the whining in previous posts about worrying you will become an old maid and that the clock is ticking and you can't be wasting time dating guys you know can't give you marriage and children?
Have you spoken to your fiance since the Saturday or has your mouth been too full of PD to care about his feelings?
I love anonymous comments. Why don't you leave your name along with your scathing notes? Oh right, because that would take real balls. Until you live someone else's life, don't be so quick to judge. You may be in this position one day too. No one can claim perfection.
ReplyDeleteAh yes. GirlX, the very brave lady who has left her real name for all to see. You are not quick to judge, but quick to dismiss. Of course, that makes you superior. Do you know the real name of the person you are defending? Do you think she would come to your defense if you were in need and your life in peril?
ReplyDeletePerfection may be unattainable, but some of us strive to live a life that is free of self-inflicted pain. Does it take talent for a woman to have uncommitted sex with a rich alpha big man, to wax poetic about the ensuing heartbreak, and to make a spectacle of the events thereafter? I bid you to answer this question for all the women in the porn, prostitution, and sex club industry, from whom Poetry's beloved men profit. Women do love pimps.
Fellow stranger, "having balls" is not just in semi-anonymously publishing one's life events and thoughts -- it is also the courage to face the truth. Sometimes the truth is unpleasant. You hold onto some illusion that Poetry cares about you and your blog. Does she ever comment there? Does she speak compassionately of your life? Sorry to be so harsh, but the truth often is.
I hold onto an illusion that she cares about me? You read that far into my simple comments about not judging others? I don't reach out to strangers in blog world to provide me with self esteem and/or security.
ReplyDeleteBeing that you are trying to come off as so morally correct by slamming the men she chooses and their professions, what are you doing reading her blog? Clearly, this is not a place for the morally correct, perfect people such as yourself to visit.
If you have such balls, why wouldn't you post your real name either? She already knows my real name, I don't have to post it for the rest of my adoring public here. If you want to know what it is so you can scream it out later when you jerk it to one of the movies her boyfriend produces, I'd be happy to oblige.
I don't care if she spoke compassionately, rudely or otherwise about my life. Her opinions are her own. One thing I do know, she doesn't come to my blog flaming me for choices I make (or don't) in my life. Harsh? Please. I've heard much worse.
Longtime lurker, first time poster.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with the anon above although he was a bit too "harsh" for my taste.
Poetry, you have been going on about how much you longed for him, how your heart ached for him and then when he returns to offer you what you wanted you cast him out on the streets.
I just don't understand it.
I think I can compare it to a child with a toy:
You take the toy away and the child kicks, screams and cries but when you give it back, the child is overjoyed for a moment then loses interest. The child only cried because the child had something that was taken away.
You denied him for someone that can't possibly give you what you told yourself you wanted. Even though I don't know him and should not judge him, he just sounds like the "Flavor of the moment". Someone you can have fun with and feel loved.
But I think with this guy you'll just return to your old pre-GV8 ways.
I'm sure most of us don't get the full picture so hopefully you can make a future post explaining what went on.
Sorry for my poor grammar.
Respectfully, Christopher
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ReplyDelete