Quick post, as I have to run out the door to a lapdance class.
Did the dinner with my parents last night. My dad has only met GV8 once, my mom, twice. I always kept him separated from them because it was a)never supposed to get serious and b)I was convinced they would freak about the age gap.
I was exhausted. Typical. Falling asleep on GV8's shoulder on the couch while he and Mom talked.
It's weird. This whole thing has been weird.
I'm happy, but most of the time I'm trying to suppress it because I know if I start thinking about it I'll get incredibly anxious. And, as much as I know this bugs him, i keep expecting him to change his mind.
Because he changes his mind a lot.
Four break-ups attest to this (admittedly, one of those was mine).
I don't trust him as much anymore. He's back in the generic trust category. Trusting of certain behaviors. Trusting him to act in expected ways.
But there's the gap. The pull-back. That it wasn't like it was and, until we get married, I'm probably not going to relax. God knows I've been clingy as hell of late. And analyzing every single behavior and word choice.
I'm nervous. I'm so damned nervous.
And I know this panic is pushing at me to keep things the same, continue on my solo, just so I don't have to experience change. Because I don't handle change well.
The second I think of not spending the rest of my life with him, my stomach drops out and I think that life would be... not pointless, but... horrible. A void of happiness.
So I've got to, as my dad says, put my helmet on and soldier through it. Don't let the anxieties and fears rule my life. I know, one day, I'll trust him again as much as I did, if not more. I know that, just a few months ago, he was the center of my happiness, my life, I was willing to give everything for him because I was so convinced he was it.
As for everything else... we're having a small ceremony in the park that my parents got married in on their anniversary: July 1st. Then we're going on a not-really-honeymoon to Lake Tahoe for the weekend. Planned on having a big ceremony and reception in October.
Next Saturday we're going ring shopping.
Next Sunday, I'm going dress shopping with my mom.
And, in three weeks, I'll be Mrs. GV8.
Nah, that sounds so old. I'll be Ms. GV8.
...and I'm going to be late if I don't leave now. Whoops.
About Me
- Poetry of Flesh
- Los Angeles, CA, United States
- Love Sonnet XI
Pablo Neruda
I crave your mouth, your voice, your hair.
Silent and starving, I prowl through the streets.
Bread does not nourish me, dawn disrupts me,
all day I hunt for the liquid measure of your steps.
I hunger for your sleek laugh,
your hands the color of a savage harvest,
hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails,
I want to eat your skin like a whole almond.
I want to eat the sunbeam flaring in your lovely body,
the sovereign nose of your arrogant face,
I want to eat the fleeting shade of your lashes,
and I pace around hungry, sniffing the twilight,
hunting for you, for your hot heart,
like a puma in the barrens of Quitratue.
Wow.
ReplyDeleteI leave you alone for a couple of weeks and you're getting married.
Intense.
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ReplyDeletewow, quick. hope that's a result of desperate wanting to be married on both your parts, not one of those "quick let's do it before we change our minds".
ReplyDeleteps i think it gets harder to trust when you raise the stakes.
sweetmagnoliya said...
ReplyDeletePush out the doubt. It is a cancer that cannot make a good foundation. Enjoy your moment and believe success. The wedding and honeymoon choice sounds good. I have been to Lake Tahoe and it is gorgeous. Without trust, there is no marriage. He has stepped up to the plate to marry you; you must step up to the plate to trust him. Leave the past where it belongs....in the past.
Now let’s talk about lap dancing classes....I am just curious what the motivation is for this? It doesn’t seem like the direction a soon to be married woman would take...if you want to enhance your seduction power, which is already honed beyond most people’s level, lol, what about some belly dancing classes? Now that would be classy. The costumes alone are a work of art and it is sensual. If you can belly dance, you can lap dance, you can dance at clubs, you can dance for your husband, and it is a great way to develop your tummy muscles.
Just curious, do the parents know what he does for a living? I get the feeling your saying they approve of him just wondering how much they know about him. Ultimately it is personal, but in my experience, it is best to have approval from close family because they are your support system when times get ruff. If they don’t know what he really does for a living, you risk the chance of rejection when you need them most.
Take care and Hugs! Luv, Sweet
Not a thing wrong with Mrs. GV8, doll. Don't be anxious - enjoy the thrill and excitement of this moment. Very exciting! I remain very happy for you both.
ReplyDeleteI can sympathise both with the anxiety (which was warranted on my part!) as well as the void of happiness.
ReplyDeleteThe upside is that since I'm basically a dead man walking, I've lost all fear, whether good, bad, natural or "beta". I have zero approach anxiety and heavy objects moving at high speeds have a seductive pull to me. For the first time ever, my friends are scared of me, instead of being worried. It's... odd.
I'll take my gothy angst and go listen to some gay europop now. All the best from my end: may my unhappiness be balanced by a lot of happiness to as many people as possible.
good luck, Nepenthe.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking of you.
*manhug*
ReplyDeleteI'm with Maurice.
ReplyDeleteEmbrace Mrs.
It's the least you can do in light of his making the terribly dangerous to males, but benign to females, move of marrying in California.
He really should be getting a prenup, in which you waive all alimony and he explicitly doesn't take on any of your student or other debt as his joint responsibility (which doesn't preclude his helping you with it while you stay married), and in which assets are divided on divorce according to who brought them into the marriage and who earned them since. Separate bank accounts. Maybe a joint one in addition to pool common expenses and a common point for each of you to contribute a set amount of earnings.