Monday, August 2, 2010

I'm fairly exhausted.

Weekend was good. Left Saturday morning, grabbed breakfast at a place in the Valley, ran by the abandoned refinery in ***** where we found a piece of guerilla art to take home (win!) and managed to set off some very loud alarms. Tooled around at the Santa Barbara Mission, grabbed dinner at Stearn's Wharf, headed over the the concert which was not well advertised, so it was almost more of a private show. The opening band was -amazing-, I was quite pleased.

Sunday found us driving up PCH to stop in Cambria to see Nit Wit Ridge, then up to Hearst Castle for a late afternoon tour.

Realized, between a conversation PD and I had on the bus down from the castle and a blog post I stumbled across this morning, that part of love, for me, is the comfortability to show my happiness and confidence with sincerity. I often put on a tough girl front, or at least I try, but, as PD notes, I'm quite soft and squishy inside. I play confident so much, so easily, because it's what I do to survive.

And I'm more than willing to talk about my discomforts, my embarassments, my unhappy truths with near anyone without needing any level of trust or comfort with them... but when it comes to self-worth, happiness, dreams... I can't. I need that safety. That trust.

Probably means more than my surface thoughts on the matter.


  1. Poetry,

    You mention this comfort you require to drop your facade with a lover. I was in a similar situation with a woman I dated. As she became more comfortable, she changed her persona completely and it was very unsettling. I discovered I didn't enjoy spending time with the "real"person at all.

    I believe my point is that you should definitely communicate your pending changes to PD to prepare him for the "real" you that will hopefully appear.


  2. Paul,

    He saw through my act on our first date, actually. He's been trying to get me to be the comfortable, happy, confident person that is buried in me since we started dating.

    Which is nice. And flattering. Most haven't paid enough attention.

    I do know what you mean, though, about discussing impending changes. I used to sit potential boyfriends down and flat out tell them that I wasn't the assertive, confident girl they were seeing. That, as they got to know me, my personality would slowly change and I would be a more vulnerable, submissive person.

    They never believed me. The last person I sat down with that was Darkeyes. I never did with GV8 because I never expected to have a relationship with him. By the time things started tilting that way, I figured it was fairly obvious.

    I don't think he was ever willing to accept that change, though.