Thursday, March 4, 2010

I need to spend less time driving around and more time writing or at least jotting down my notes. GV8 keeps pushing me to buy a voice recorder so I'm not in my car on the freeway with a notepad propped on my steering wheel, but... yeah, haven't done that yet.

I've been a bit irritated with myself since the thing with The Bassist.

Been thinking on it quite often, actually.

And my friends have been lecturing me to not be so hard on myself, that no (wo)man is an island, that we all need external validation sometime (even GV8, someone said, shock of shocks).

I feel like those people that should get it, the ones that have known me longest, are not doing so. They've all been like, "Well, you didn't sleep with him, you just went down on him, so that's like nothing for you. Hardly any backsliding."

But it's not the activity as much as the motivation, as much as the self-awareness.

Before I turned 18, I had around eighteen or so sex partners under my belt. I know it was over fifteen, as I was able to keep track back then and the fifteenth person I had slept with was the one that ended up impregnating me.

I had the abortion in July. July 14th, July 17th, something like that. I used to know a woman who lit a candle every year for a baby she had aborted, but I can't even remember the date. I simply don't care. Which sounds bad, but it has been so long and I look at my life fairly often and think how many things would be different, how I would be different, worse off, if I had continued with that pregnancy.

And it doesn't bother me.

Part of me feels that, for most people, life ends, growth ends with marriage and children. You're so busy focusing on other people, as you should be, that you are unable to focus on yourself, on recognizing your needs, your goals.

When I was 18, I was still angry and bitter at the male population. Raging, in my own way, but still desperate for validation.

Rack up a few more partners.

19 I met the second long-term relationship guy, pulled me off the market for a year, year and a half. Something like that.

Single again, wild again. Met a man who stopped me from falling into a pit of self-loathing, reined myself in.

Met Rick, dated two years, broke up, went into a series of one-night stands looking for comfort, looking to fill that emotional hollow. Called Rick one night (seeking comfort, not seeking to get back into the relationship), bawling my eyes out because I couldn't make it hurt any less. None of those men were doing any good.

Rebound relationship, Darkeyes, came out of that fragile, shaking like a leaf over how abusive our post-relationship had become, trying to live together in separate bedrooms, remain friends. One-night stand, one-night stand, lover, lover, lover, lover, one-night stand, lover, lover, one-night stand. I don't even know.

Finally, finally got myself to calm down with the constant need for the illusion of control just a few months before I met GV8.

And you know, it's been good.

I've been good.

This last year, 2009, new sex partner total was something like... five? GV8, Mr Brush-off, RR, Pseudonym Pending, and the Broken Prince. Five men in one year while single. That's an all time low for me.

I haven't even had sex with anyone but GV8 in the last almost four months.

It's absolutely bizarre.

I haven't felt the need. I was finally growing, was finally hitting that point where I was being confident enough in myself, confident enough in my life, that I did not need those things that sex can bring to a person: validation, control, comfort. My addictions. I've always had control issues, always seek comfort in physicality, and as much confidence and cockiness that people think I put out, I'm just like any other "average female": defined by who desires me.

Which I hate to say.

I'm so very different in some ways, but in others, ways I wish I wasn't, I'm exactly the same. Same triggers, same fears, same needs.

Re-reading that post where I talked about where my head was at, the guilt issues, etc... it read exactly like something I would have written when I was younger. Not just a little younger, but somewhere between 19-21.

It was the goddamn same.

Progress tossed in the face of emotion.

Progress tossed for the sake of comfort.

Because I'm letting GV8 get to me, because I'm letting myself get tied up in knots over this man. Though, really, what better man to get myself wrapped around? He's almost everything I could have asked for in a mate.

But I'm letting his actions upset me.

And I know better. We cannot control another person's actions, but we can control our reactions. I reacted poorly. I reacted out of fear and insecurity, I reached out and tainted a friendship, and I knew I was doing it, knew before I even did it.

That's not acceptable.

I did not come from lowest level gutterskank to where I am now to allow myself to backslide because some man has my heart in his fist.

I did not fight as hard as I have to break bad habits, to break dependencies, to realize patterns of rationalizations I have run myself through, only to consciously allow those same things to reemerge in a time of mild emotional stress.

Especially with everything I've learned from GV8 in this past year. He's been an incredible role model. His behaviors, his approach to life, is something I've been doing my damnedest to learn from, to mime. Under his tutelage, I've rapidly come into my own skin.

It feels like I betrayed that, like I betrayed the time he invested in me, by behaving as badly as I did. Part of me fears that all that growth, all the behavioral changes that have taken place were maybe just an illusion, maybe just temporary without reinforcement.

I thought they'd be stronger than my need to be desired. Thought they'd be stronger than that drive for validation, for control.

And now they need to be. I can't slip up like this again. I can't let all my years of work, all my self-therapy, to get tangled up because a situation with some man is making me feel out of control. My happiness and desirability are not hinged on whether or not he wants me, they are only hinged on me and my actions.

I need to learn this. I need to get to the point where I don't have to talk myself through the motions until I convince myself. I need to have this in my head as The Way Things Are.

And I will. I will be beautifully strong. I'm not going to fail.


  1. Any time I hear a woman use the "V" word (validation) I go on red alert.

    What does that mean to YOU Poetry?
    Are you not responsible for your thoughts and emotions?

    I'm sorry, this is the 2nd bickering comment I've left with you tonight. Time for me to hit the sack :)

  2. Yes, I have the same red flag pop up.

    I am responsible for my thoughts and emotions, as stated in my post. It's hard to untangle motivations and needs, hard to navigate and realize what one is doing.

    It's hard to explain to a man. There's the concept, and then there's the reality. We're raised to focus on the opposite sex, raised that our value comes from who wants us. You look at cartoons for boys and compare them to cartoons for girls. The boys cartoons are about fighting monsters, achieving goals, using their brains. The girls cartons are about boys, about drama, about romance, wardrobe, occasionally fighting weird space creatures but still coming back in time for the dance.

    Realizing that I was doing what I was doing, at first for damage then, as I stopped that need, for validation, was incredibly disappointing. I finally stepped out of that last year, with all of my sex partners being purely because I wanted them, because I felt good about myself and wanted sex... that was major progress for me. Progress I plan on continuing.

    It means I'm learning to validate myself. Finally.

    And you're a dirty bickerer. Bicker-er. Bickerererer. Damn. I'm heading out to June Lake for the weekend, so I'll have to get to your other bit of bicker later. Try not to be so mean while I'm gone. :P

  3. It seems that you're striving toward the goal of being emotion-less. Why is that your ideal? If you are hurt by him & interested in what he does, that leads me to infer that what he does also brings you pleasure & happiness. You look down on yourself when you feel sad about your interactions or what he does...In my experience, the only time I lacked emotion or the ability to cry in my life was when I was depressed. I'm not sure why you are trying to reach the point in which no other human has an emotional effect on you. Do you think that will really make you happy?

    Also, as you post a picture of yourself naked to the world & tell everyone about your sexcipades, aren't you actually pretty confident? Why do you need further validation of any sort if you've already had so many sexual partners who have enjoyed your intimacy?

    I can't imagine that the route you're going down will bring you happiness in the end...

  4. Anonymous,

    It's not at all that I want to be emotionless, but that I want to be emotionally stable, so little things won't send me spinning out of control.

    It'd be... different, I suppose, if that picture had revealed anything, and if this blog wasn't anonymous. But sexcipades are merely sexcipades. I'm female, it doesn't take a lot of effort to have a lot of fun sexual adventures.

    We'll see where I find happiness, if I find it.

  5. It seems that you are trying to catch an ellusive butterfly that must remain free. If GV8 were to become your man and be only with you, he would not be the man that he is now.
    It seems that you admire him for his ability to be free of emotional tie downs that a relationship normally has.

    There is a differance between men and women in the way they deal with relationships. Men traditionally compartmentalize each part of there lives to keep things orderly and simple. That is why they can have a fight in on breath and have a passionate love making session the next. Women traditonally need an emotional flow from one part of their life to the next. If their man treats them like shit all day they will not be interested in going to bed with them that evening. It is almost like emotional foreplay. there are times when we all need to compartmentalize in order to get on with dailey activities, such as work. Home life problems must be set aside to a degree to deal with focusing on work. I think that this technique is useful for survival but it is not what creates a sense of happiness.

    True happiness is achieved when we learn to live our core values and be true to what we believe and think. No regrets, peaceful with the way things are, always striving to do better.